Well, it's almost midnight and today was the day Andy officially 'died' one year ago. It's been a crazy year but a fast one. It honestly doesn't even seem like it has been one whole year since Andy's passing.
It has truly been such a blessing to have so many people to let me know they are thinking of me and Landon and all of Andy's family during all this time when I am having extra thoughts of everything bad I never thought would happen.
I think the worst part of this whole 'one year mark' is the actual work up to it. I noticed I was stressing myself out three weeks before the days of everything because I wasn't sure how I would react. I would say that the last month was the most emotional I have been in a while. It's almost like a roller coaster. It hits me randomly even when there are no days that stand out... because what some don't understand is that just because it is the one year mark... it doesn't mean that this day is any harder than the rest of the days I go through without Andy. I miss him every day... not just today.
Though today (February 19th) was the day, one year ago, that Andy died... to me, the worst day was the 14th. On Valentine's Day. That was the day Andy was shot. That was the day I got a phone call about it. That was the day the doctors told me Andy was brain dead and there was nothing they could do. That was the day my heart nearly stopped beating. I prayed more that day than I ever prayed in my entire life. The following 5 days after that were also really difficult because of the constant frustration with the different things going on with Andy and the doctors and just everything... the 19th, however, was the day I came to peace with the fact that Andy really may not make it through this. There really might not be a miracle to happen if the machines were turned off. I was able to prepare myself through devotion and prayer for that moment of being at peace about how the outcome of things might be. So... though it sounds crazy... but 5 days ago was my hardest day to deal with. Today was just the day that I let go... hardest thing I ever had to do.
But, it is passed midnight now so I think I can officially say that I made it through the first year. And just like the photo up above... I know that Andy will always be a huge part in helping me get through life...
Even though he is not here with me and Landon physically, I know that he will always be carrying us and watching over us. We love you, babylove. You are forever a part of us... and forever we will love you and miss you always. <3
