Where I am at today...

Okay, so my original plan was to write on this blog a lot and as you can see I have only made one post before this one!  I just don't think I was ready to write my thoughts down until now.  I am going to try and start this whole blog thing once again and see where it goes and if it helps me.  I also know that there are a few people out there who love keeping up with me and Landon so this is for you all too.
I was also thinking that this would be a wonderful way to keep everyone 'up-to-date' on me and where I am at in life.  So... here goes...

Landon just turned 10 months old yesterday!  OMG!  Wow... where did the time go???  It doesn't seem like we are less than a month away from the day Andy was shot.  And, I just thought about it... it is exactly a month away, today, from the day we took Andy off life support.  Wow.

Man oh man... this really hasn't been the easiest (almost) year.  I have had so many emotions that I never even imagined having.  I've cried thousands of tears.  I've been angry and mad.  I've kept to myself.  I've dealt with it.  I had a beautiful baby boy!  I've gone to counseling about once a week.  I've enjoyed time with Landon.  I've cried with Landon.  LOL.  I fought symptoms of depression (especially after having Landon).  I've prayed.  I went skydiving?!  I set up a Will.  I've stayed up many nights because I couldn't sleep... or simply just didn't want to go to bed.  I recently just started writing my book.  I met a wonderful man who I have now started 'dating'.  And I have actually 'accepted' things.

Now, when I say 'accepted' things.  I do not mean that I have 'gotten over' Andy.  It simply means that I actually believe that Andy is not coming back.  I have stopped expecting a phone call from Andy.  I don't sit and think about 'how do I wake myself from this terrible dream... cause when I wake up, Andy will be laying next to me, and I can tell him about this craziness of a dream... well, nightmare... I just had!'.  I've realized it's not gonna happen.
I also see things differently now than I did at first.  I've had time to think about things and pray about it and view it in a God-related way.  I now see and understand that it was time for Andy to go... whether it was here in the U.S. or over in Afghanistan.  God knows when we are supposed to die since before we are ever even born.  Therefore, that helps me to think that God put me in Andy's life to help make him happy before that time came.  I watched Andy grow as a person and spiritually since I first started dating him in March 2008.  I never have had a doubt since Andy's death as to whether or not he loved me or whether or not I love him.  Why did God bless me with Landon?  I believe that Landon helped me get through the initial death of Andy.  Because of Landon, I had to be strong.  I think that God will use Landon in life for many great things... just like he used and continues to use Andy.

So, as you can see... I am not 'over' Andy.  I guess you can say I am simply slowly learning to deal with it.  Each person who loses a loved one has a completely different 'grieving process'.  I will never be out of my grieving process.  I will always miss and love Andy.  I do think that I am and will continue to be able to take steps forward in my new chapter of life that I have to begin.  I am going to take it one day at a time.