Monday, September 12, 2011

It is what it is...






Well, this is my very first post on my new blog.  I actually made a blog while my hubby was first deployed...  I don't really know why I decided to make a new one... it's probably because I forgot my password or something silly on the other.  Anyways, a lot has happened in this year so far... a lot of life altering things.
Any military spouse knows that the biggest fear we have is the fear of getting a knock on the door... On February 14, 2011, the day after my baby shower... I got a phone call from Head Quarters Marine Corps.  I was informed that my husband had been shot in the neck while on patrol in Afghanistan and was on a ventilator.  My heart came to a stop.  My world slowed down.  As I put the pieces together... I realized that this was very serious.  Of course my first thoughts were... okay, a lot of people have to go on a ventilator and then they come off just fine... he was shot which means he will be able to be home for the birth of our baby... but wait... they said neck... that is what gave me an emotional break-down.  I was sitting on the side of the road... 8 months pregnant and not knowing if my husband was going to live or die.  After many hours of waiting... I finally heard from the doctor in Germany.  He did not have very good news.  Andy was what they called "brain dead".  He told me there was nothing they could do for him.  Of course, I am thinking... how can we come so far in medicine and technology and not be able to fix my husband???  Here I was 8 months pregnant... and my husband is halfway around the world in a hospital bed alone.  I wanted to be with him so bad.  Unfortunately, I had to accept that I was not able to go.  There is actually a lot that went on during this time of Andy's hospitalization... but that is a story for another day (it's getting late).  I was not able to fly to him because of me being 8 months pregnant... I wanted to be there so bad with Andy.  But I knew Andy would never ever want me to put the baby or myself at risk.  I could hear him say "it is what it is"... those five days were the longest, most difficult days I had ever had to go through... I ended up having to make the hardest decision of MY LIFE.  I had to tell the doctors that it is okay to turn off the ventilator.  It took all of me to say that.  I could not stay on the phone during them doing it.  I spoke through the phone in Andy's ear one last time...  I told him I loved him and that we would be okay.  I will always love him.  A little later, Andy's mom called me... she said 'he's gone'... She said they turned it off, and he went peacefully... At that point... my world stopped.  There was no longer a time zone... there was no longer people around me... I couldn't hear the talking... I was numb.  I let it sink in a little and realized he is not coming back.  My husband... my best friend... the father of my baby... he was gone.